~A year of growth ( in the trenches) ~ Week 1 Post

I am so glad to be at this stage of my life after dealing with a year of what I call " the trenches." Have you had a rough period of your life that never seem to end? I feel like that was my life the whole past year.

 Now that I have had a month of relaxation and reflecting back, I am ready for my next adventure in life.

The things I am looking forward to include:
1) Establishing our own place again and getting new furniture and our belongings out of storage.
2) Preparing my daughter for her 1st day of Kindergarten.
3) Re-building my credit and savings including 401k.
4) Obtaining a job that fulfills my desires that embody education and future.
5) Fulfilling some adventures on my list of 40 things for my 40th year!
6) Enrolling my daughter in Dance and Swim Lessons.



I can honestly say with the love and support of many people in my life that I feel like I am continuing my journey of healing. Although this journey is hard, it is well worth the hard work to get there. Healing comes in many forms some that include tears and pain, some that include an "Aha Moment" and some that come naturally ( without your noticing) in the middle of change.

I have found that I am a person that loves people but lacked boundaries. I also have learned that I have every right to express my voice but have to learn how to do that assertively with compassion and love to make it effective.

Well those are my thoughts for this week. I am in Santa Barbara vacationing and enjoying all of my family units this summer. I have so many friends that I call family and I am blessed to have them all in my life!

Onto next weeks adventures!

<3  Jill

Venting GALORE!!!!!

I have to vent to someone and since its soooo late i will do it here! Right now my living situation SUCKS!!!!!! Double SUCKS!!!!! ARRRRRRghhhh!

I have tried in every event to hold my tongue, to be kind, to try to be fair, and be nice! But honestly IM sooooo sick of it! I am in such a bad mood I want to run through the house screaming and yelling and waking up the neighborhood, but then they will think im insane! Sooo : I'm kinda thinking that might be a bad idea??? okay.... so after slamming a few doors and venting my frustration out by throwing away old food from the fridge and being a little loud i decided to just be nice again.
 Denial ( maybe!)
Passive AGGRESSIVE...UH YUP!
I definitely dont think i should skip therapy this week! arrrrgh! Im carrying a very heavy load this semester, also working and doing fieldwork, balancing being a single parent ( living in a shelter) applying for programs for the summer, selling tupperware, trying to stay close to God, and be a good example to my daughter and something has got to give!

So i need to take a day off. I think I am gonna take friday off and have a me day. see my therapist, meet a friend for lunch, catch a movie, get a pedicure or all of the above....

Have your ever had a day where you say to yourself... Is this really my life?

So now that i have vented and feel a little better im going to be positive.
I am calm now ( good thing)
I did NOT cuss even though i wanted to choke a h**!!!
Everyone is aware of the situation here and they are working on it in my favor.
My long term goal will get me into a wonderful place in my life and this stage of my life is only temporary.
I am blessed everyday because I know there is more than this world to look forward to.
Even though I blow it every once in a while I know that I am a good person and love people way more than they love me.
Living here is really a mission field and i think i stepped on a bomb...luckily no one is hurt.
My daughter and I will benefit from this situation and I will be better in the end for it.

Okay I am ready for bed. I have a long week ahead of me and I am ready to just relax and rest my head. So with that being said its time for me to say goodbye!

Un -Solicited Advice

Well today I decided that I needed to make a change in my life and start my journey of weight loss again. But this time im not going to announce it to the world. This time im going to keep it private and just me and my body. For some reason because I am a very open person and forthwright about my weight issue many people feel like they have to interject their personal feelings about how I should lose weight, what I should do?

This morning again it happened. The un-solicitied advice....The comments about my weight lose...yadda yadda. This time however I didn't react normally how I would in the past. I didn't get huffy or mad. I just listened and went along the way.

I know what to eat and how to eat. Fruits and Veggies, Salad and Lean meat. Drink water, get calcium, yadda yadda... But I do know it's time to deal with all this.

Slowly by surely! Every day is an opportunity to make a change in my life.

~~ Have you ever total Biff-ed a Day?~~

Last night I went to bed. Nothing circling in my head or in my heart. All was well for the moment!
The problem is that I totally forgot I had my fieldwork the next morning. Because yesterday I went to court and it threw me off my schedule! I had a feeling that was gonna happen one day! I woke up this morning at 7am and then kinda sat up in my bed and thought I feel like I am missing something!!!
Alas!!!! After taking my shower and getting dressed It dawned on me my fieldwork was this morning and i TOTALLY forgot!!! Oh gosh!  Ding Dong! Because I live in Orange County and my fieldwork is in LA county I have to be on the road about 645am to make it on time!!
On a good note I can make up the work on friday but it just throws off my whole schedule and plan! I am gonna blame it on the rain!  Oh Lord Milli Vanilla is popping in my head! How do I get that FAKE noise out!!!! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA....

Well Happy Thursday Everyone! Here is to the smell of rain, stew cooking on the stove and cinnamon pine cones as you walk in the grocery store! Those moments take my breath away!!! I LOVE the Fall!

~~~ Early Morning SCREAMING!!~~~

I do understand morning noise. The hustle and bustle of getting things done and the kids out the door. But living in a shelter that is not your home seems to brings out the worst in people. The screaming and fighting in the wee hours of the morning? Is it just me or do other people purposely do it to wake you because they are awake? Living in an 1920 old built house (craftsman...i think) doesn't exactly have the walls of newer modern home. You can hear every conversation, every movement of furniture, every opening and closing of the fridge.

And then there it is. The sound of complete chaos to complete silence. They have left the residence. It's like that sound in the car you hear from the back sit of constant chatter and then asleep! Whewww! I might be able to get my coffee and take a shower in peace because my little one is still fast asleep.

Today is my court date for the last stage of my Bankruptcy. I am glad to be at this point in my life and be able to move on from this point. Hopefully in about 90-100 days it will all be discharged and I can begin to rebuild my life and credit once again!

Choosing Love.....

Honestly nothing is free in life but Love....

So after venting a bit to a friend today I am deciding to choose love towards someone i want to slap across the face. How exactly does God do this? Its hard to be kind when I don't want to be and love unconditionally. I know its really for my own good and it probably won't be received on the other end.

I posted about this very thing yesterday on Facebook and I guess I should heed my own words: Funny how that happens! Life sets you up for a lesson and then you have to deal with it!

Be careful what you wish for, it might just stare you in the face!

On the 4th Month of Living in a Shelter...

So i have been at the shelter for 4 months now. What am i learning through this process in my life? There are so freaking crazy people out in the world. That I am not as crazy as i felt in the past.. and that THERAPY is a God-send!

I am hoping I can complete the year long process and that I can graduate from this program and really look back at this experience and see that I have grown in love and patience as well as rebuilt my life... one brick at a time!

What are bricks? Bricks are life lessons. It can anything from learning to love over hate... believe over doubt...hope over despair... I am building bricks in my life so that I can finish that wall and climb over without falling on my face or breaking my leg!

I fail everyday! Miserably sometimes and sometimes I wanna throw in the towel with my faith. But I get up everyday and decide that day what i'm going to believe...

I choose to believe there is more than this world, there is hope, and love and life....